I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
