She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
