Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
