I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Khloé Kardashian Finally Speaks Out About The Tristan Thompson Cheating Scandal
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?