Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
