At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
