I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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