woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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