Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
