I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
