I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have post one night stand depression
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
