I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
