bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
