I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
