i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
3 2 1 whiskey