Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize