Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
