Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
