i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
