I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
