I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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