I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
