Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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