How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
