My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
