I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
