I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
