Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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