Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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