I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
