i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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