Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
