yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
