Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
