I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
