I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
two words: eviction party
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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