Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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