dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
