I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
