Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My vagina just recognized that song.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
