John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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