A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wanna passion pit in your ass
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
