Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
