So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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