Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
