I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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