Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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