um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
