Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
