You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
