From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
