am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
