i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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