i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
