Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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