i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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