I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
