Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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